TOP 5 Best Sex Tapes Revealed NSFW

Saturday, June 27, 2009

5. Paris Hilton (2002) I include this one because it would seem ignorant not to. But I'm not a big fan. The night-vision doesn't really do it for me, nor does the moronic banter between Hilton and Rick Salomon. And Salomon's camera-work is shoddy at best. The less-viewed last half hour--probably shot on a different day than the night-vision part--is full of glimpses of Paris's privates, but we never get a real excellent nude shot. Which might be for the best, anyway. I hear herpes sores are even less pretty on film.

4. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee (1998) Many will wonder why this isn't higher. Here's why: too much of Tommy Lee's penis. He's clearly obsessed with his penis, which is understandable; it's extremely large. Then again, he sees it every day, so you'd think the novelty would've worn off. I'm not really sure what the deal is here, but the point is, his penis dominates. The ugly(er) side of too much penis, of course, is less Pam. But I give these two points because they seemed genuinely in love, happy, and, totally unaware that their tender Honeymoon boat ride would become among the most downloaded porn films in American history. I would've given the camera to Pam, though, for at least a couple minutes.

3. Kim Kardashian and Ray J: Boobs. And a big butt. Watch with the sound off, if you value your brain.

2. Dustin Diamond (2006) It's difficult to resist the urge to put down Dustin here. Not only is he now one of those lame C-list celebrities who released his own sex tape for self-promotion, but his actual personality--if this tape is to be believed--is even worse than Screech's. Confronted with two beautiful bisexuals, Dustin can't help acting like a middle school class clown--you know, that one kid who made ninety jokes an hour, about two of which were funny. As an added insult, the two drunk girls he's with seem more interested in each other than him. I like this tape, though, because of its honesty. Dustin is totally bewildered in the presence of two drunken lesbians, which is the same way most of us would feel, I imagine. The posh setting--a Vegas hotel suite--offsets Dustin's awkwardness nicely. And the two girls, though morally unscrupulous, seem earnest and unpretentious. Bonus points for use of props--it'll be awhile before I eat one of those candy bracelets without thinking of this video.

1. Jenna Lewis (2004) The predictable objection to this one is that Jenna Lewis is not a celebrity. Fine. But you've seen "Survivor," right? Well, Jenna was on "Survivor: Borneo" and "Survivor: All Stars." And if we're going to quibble all day over which reality show contestants are celebrities and which aren't, we'll never get anywhere. Jenna's video wins despite her D-list status because her tape is both realistic and entertaining. By fixing the camera in one spot instead of holding it herself, Jenna creates the viewing experience closest to that of real pornography. The film was shot on Jenna's wedding night, and the passion between her and 21 year-old hubby Travis Wolfe is made all the more poignant by the fact that Jenna had known the man about six weeks. Oh, and like DD, they released this themselves. At least they've found a shared interest.


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